Random Ramblings: The Infinite Nature of Love

I read that love is infinite, that the more you love the more you have to give. I would argue that while love may be limitless, time is limited, so the ability to give attention/show your affection is hindered. Still what more could a person hope for than to have an abundance of love in their life?

 As of late I have been contemplating the idea that the love we feel for other people is only felt by us; other people only feel their perception of our love based on how we go about expressing it. Just as if some loves you but is withdrawn and inexpressive, you wont necessarily feel their love. Your understanding of their feelings towards you is based on your perception of how that person expresses their affections.

 So to really *feel* an abundance of love, one must give an abundance of love, since we only truly feel the love we give to others. One cannot depend on another to make us feel love, and perhaps that is where most of us go wrong.

 I believe the greatest source of personal strength is the love we pour forth from our own hearts, not our perception of someone else's love - a love that is entirely out of our control. So to every single person I have been lucky enough to love, with no thought to if they "loved me back", I remind myself to be thankful.

Religion

My religion is to think. My spirituality is to be. My creed is to help where I can, and avoid harming where I cannot.

On the eternal:
There was nothingness, a vacancy within sat the eternal which we shall call "God". God made the universe within this basin of nothingness which we shall call the "Tao". Nothing can be created nor destroyed, only transformed. Thus the universe is of the eternal, is God. Yet like us humans, the eternal is more than the sum of it's parts. We shall call this "Panentheism." We shall call many things by many names as we attempt to grasp, but in grasping for find we cannot hold onto, that which we already are. We may at times give power to words, forgetting they are only auditory symbols, representations of real things. Words shall always fall short of the experience.

Hell

I’ve burned in the icy fires of solitary,
Against the darkness that devours all light,
trembling.

I’ve stood alone in crowded spaces,
The bitter taste of indifference,
burning my tongue.

I’ve nursed my own wounds,
Self-inflicted lacerations to my soul,
they sting still.

I’ve been through a hell designed just for me,
Where I served as architect and keeper,
a cage without a key.

I’ve taken myself apart piece by piece,
Setting fire to each tattered nerve,
to watch myself burn.

You may threaten to undo me,
In a vain attempt to scare me,
Promise me pain the likes of which I’ve not seen before.
If you walked an hour with my soul you would know,
There is no such thing.

I've paid for a lifetime of sins in a night,
I've faced my fears and had them destroy me,
Yet, I'm still here.
-C.W.P.

Hunger

I craved him.
I wanted to taste his soul;
Dive headfirst into his pool,
Forgetting that I couldn't swim.

I wanted to feel his hunger;
Brush it across my skin,
Wrap myself up in the tanginess of his sin,
and watch the lines between us tangle and blur.



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Entropy （混沌）

The paper rips,
The fabric tears,
The mosquito nips,
The rope wears,
The wind blows,
The earth shakes,
The river flows,
The bridges break,
The skin's cut,
The bonds age,
The doors shut,
The lovers rage.

Empath's Gratitude

I cannot see ghosts.
Nor does your aura dance before my eyes.
I do not have auditory or visual disturbances.
The only visions I've had were in dreams.
I am blind.

I feel. I sense. I just know.

I feel the beginning and the end.
I feel the new beginning, and the thousands of cycles of existence from a place outside of time. Sometimes I get lost in it all.
Sometimes I feel tired. I feel ancient.
I feel the dust of the universe in my bones.
I feel the futility of my existence.

But then when I look at you
I feel the purpose of it too.
I know why I am here.

I am blind. I cannot see as others do.
But when I focus I can feel everything.
I feel your hopes and dreams, and all of your pain.

Sometimes I feel worn out, far beyond tired, used.
But then, sometimes, someone like you makes me feel new.
Thank you.

Presently Yours

You hold in your hand the future,
I hold within mine the past.
We join our hands together,
.. but ah...
... such a union cannot last.

Addicted to Pain

Like a drug,
In the veins so long,
That I could no longer function without it.
This pain, this poison,
I'd grown accustom to.
The sting of it numbed my mind,
And slowed down the world that raced by.

Then he came into my life,
And in his arms it fled away,

Leaving me bare and plain.

Without it I could not cope,
I broke down, without a single tear.
Caught in the fury,
Of life tearing at my mind.
I lost perception, I was racing blind.

Then another source came.

My addiction,
Here with me again,
Flooding my brain,
Sweeping across my frame,
From the crippled heart of another,
Stabbing my soul, soaking me in misery,

I realize, as the world comes clear,
And time slows to an easier pace,
I don't know how,
To function without it,
My poison, pain,
The hurt so dear.

Fake

The only thing that's real,
Is you and me right now. Together, face to face, breath in breath out.

The rest of it is faked. Fake lashes, fake names, fake words.
Fake feelings.
We know what the world wants to see.
Professor, Coach, Friend, Mommy and Daddy.

We put on until we almost believe.
Put on for the girls, put on for the boys.
The girls put out for the boys.
The boys put up with the girls.
The girls pretend it doesn't hurt,
The boys pretend they don't care.
We're all just faking it.

No experience, fresh out of school.
Preaching to the interviewer like we know what to do.
Best friends hurt, don't know what to say,
Mouth keeps on moving anyways.

Face to face, breath to breath. The only thing that's real.

Selfish Child

No I didn't think about you. I'm sorry. I'm bad, I'm wrong, you're right.
Does that make it better?

No, I was busy worrying about my own survival. Still I was there waiting for you,
Oh well, you weren't, my bad.

I guess what I'm saying is...
If I'm selfish for not thinking about you,
You are selfish for only thinking about you.

Get it? No? My bad. I guess I'm just bad. I'm no good. I know.

Might as well be good at that.
So there, I'll be the baddest, most selfish child I can be.

I'm not sorry. I had my own shit to deal with. You are part of that shit.
I'm not sorry. I wanted to see you suffer. You always took it out on me anyways. Always tried to get revenge for the naive things I did.

If a kitten scratches you, do you hold a grudge? You did, so I learned to sharpen my claws on you.

Selfish Child, I am.

- Allegra Cole

Crystal Heart

When I was younger, You were a person I admired.

But my world has changed,
Since your words darkened my soul.
I hate you.

It is not so much the pain you put me through,
No it's not the home you took away;
It's that you taught my innocent heart how to hate,
Never before had I felt that way.
Now I know most people do not know the meaning of the word.

I didn't.
Not before.

On this glorious day to give thanks, why is it I think of you?
My heart twists in anguish for what you still put me through.
I lost my family, I lost my home;
So did you I suppose.

I tried to understand, I tried to reach out,
But your wrath is all I felt.

You told me all bridges had been burned,
You wanted nothing to do with me,
I was not deserving of being treated like a human.
Hell, I don't think you treat animals so badly.

Because of you I cannot dream of ever seeing my family.
There will be no more Christmases, no more Thanksgivings,
It is gone, burnt away and lost in the darkness that you put in my soul.

I hate you like I've never hated anyone before,
Like I pray to never hate another person again.

I love you.
I loved you.
I hate you today.

- Allegra Cole

Lady Moon

In the night I'd heard her singing,
So I followed to the fields,
Followed 'till I reached the foothills,
Where the tall grasses yield,

I made my climb to the very top,
There the ground grew bare,
and the green of trees stopped.
There I stood above my worldly cares,

Filling the air, her silvery light,
Gently washed all of the darkness out of the night.
Her song swept across the land,
And soon I could hear the hills too,
The crickets and frogs joined in,
Each one perfectly in tune.
Then with a smile I spreads my lips
And I sang too.

Her beauty around me,
How her song would surround me,
In it my own face,
was pale like the moon.

- Allegra Cole